I should probably mention that Carsen is walking now. Yes, WALKING. To you, reading this, you will probably think "neat, lady, that's what babies do." But no, not 9 MONTH OLD BABIES WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO STAY LITTLE. 

I know he is still a baby, but I know all too well where this is headed. He's moving faster into toddlerhood than I am comfortable with, and I can do nothing but smile and kiss his chubby cheeks as many times as he will allow. 

He still nurses to sleep - and as the swallowing slows to just soft steady breathing, and I stand up to carry him to his makeshift room in our closet, I can't help but notice how long his body feels against mine. I pretend to ignore how small of a space he used to take up, and how his arms and legs now spill out over mine, just like Hadley's did. He's growing up. And I just don't think I am quite ready for it.

Hadi says

This one's been a long time coming. Turns out I'm quite terrible at posting regularly, which means whenever I get around to it, it's long over due. And we end up with a ridiculously long list of words hadi has said. Enjoy!

"Mom I don't want to go to dance today. I just want to stay home and eat food"

Me: Sweetie if you keep your pull up on you won't get pee on your blanket
Hadi: No! If I take my pull up off I get pee on my blanket. That's the reason that's my question too!

"No Dad, you can't. you don't have any girl hair"

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Hadi: Honey funches of oats and shedded week"

Me: Go grab that cape.
Hadi: It's not a cape. It's a superhero...
Me: ...Cape
Hadi: No. It's a superhero 'not cape'.

"I love frozen. Frozen is my best."

Me: But Hadi, I wanted to give you a hug.
Hadi: No, no one is hugging and no one is kissing"

"Ohh, so mom, like, the other Danica wants to hang with me?"

Hadi: What are you doing mom?
Me: Just going to the bathroom. You can come in but you need to shut the door.
Hadi: No thanks, I don't want to see your bum.

Me: ...we love you Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Hadi: hey! That's like Jesus loves us! We can go to him and he will hold me!
Me: yep that's right 
Hadi: so.... When can we go to Disneyland?

Jake: hey hadi you wanna scratch my back?
Hadi: nooppe.

"Look mom the moon got little! ... I wanna hold the moon mom."

"But I can't go to sleep because I need to say goodnight to the couch"

Me: Hadi if you are going to spit milk on the floor you don't get to have your drink
Hadi: I didn't spit. My mouth just, like, opened and the milk just, like, came out. It camed out itself. 

To the cut on her knee: "it's okay ouchie, don't cry" 

To the clouds pink from the sunset: "hey mom? Can we fly up there later on on a balloon and touch the pink? And will you and dad and brother come fly to the sky with me?"

Me: Come inside please hadi.
Hadi: I can't. I just need to be outside for 7 minutes.

"Hey, let's go check on the popsicles in the freezerater." 


"If we don't know it, we just dance to it"

"Can I turn the dark off?" (She wanted to turn the light on)

"Mom, what are you trying to prove?"

"Do you know why I colored all over my room? I wanted my world to be like Elmo's world"

While at a friends reception hadi busied herself by finding as many friends to hold hands with her as possible. She excitedly brought one of them over to me exclaiming she had found a friend.
Me: hi what's your name?
E: Emily
Hadi: !! My name is Emily too! My dolls call me Emily - Emily Princess. 

I'm listening to an audiobook while I clean and hadi came in and said "hey mom, this isn't Harry potter. I want you to put on Harry potter."

"My bum is sweaty" 

(in her prayer) "Thank you for Jesus to not die again for Mary, thank you for when mom says we can go to Disneyland, thank you for brother cannot eat butterflies...." 

"Dear heavenly father, thank you for today. We are going to bed now, we will see you in the morning. Thank you for brother to not cry, in the name of Jesus cries amen."

Me: That's fine hadi, you can wear that
Hadi: No I can't. Wanna know why?
Me: Why
Hadi: Cuz I'm all about da bass, bout da bass, no trouble. That's why.

"Mom, I love to trick and be naked!"

"You know what mom, if your sad and your tear-ings (tears) come down you just wipe em like this"

I got breakfast made for us and then came and sat down at the table with hadi. As I say down she said:
Hadi: "so mom, how does it feel to sit down"
Me: "Good!"
Hadi: "Yah? Good. How does it feel to be 26?"

"Dad, see (holding up her shirt) I have little boobies, and brother has little boobies, and mom has the BIGGEST boobies"

"See how I filled the bottle up mom? I filled it up just half-ley."

Hadi sounds congested
Me: are you sick sweetie?
Hadi: No, I'm just pumping my boogers back in. Did you know boogers grow in your tummy? So I'm just pumping them back in. I'm not sick.

Hadi: How do I look?
Me: Good!
Hadi: You mean beautiful and great? Because I don't just look great. I look beautiful AND great, k? And sparklefull.

"I don't have an opinion anymore. It went away."

A Homecoming

I grin up at Him, and she runs to me. He confidently stands back and observes, smiling, as she looks me over. Am I whole and healthy? A mix of hugs and tears with “You are beautiful!” and “you’ve grown so much!”, and “Why didn’t you ever floss your teeth?!”

She holds me and cries as my Father kisses me on the head and leaves us to talk. He will be back, because her turn comes first. “Let’s talk about everything from the moment you left,” she says. Her voice shakes as I hear her recount placing me into my mom’s arms on the day I was born. We laugh as I tell her all about my tomboy phase and my awkward junior high years. We talk endlessly about my family, friends, and school experiences. All the details only a mother could want to hear.

 “Tell me about your babies,” she says quietly as tears roll down her cheeks. She lets me explain the best I can, while already knowing there are no words. “When Hadley left my arms and took hold in your family, I stood in awe, waiting, because I knew what it meant for you. No spirit that strong and incredible could leave the world untouched, and it was stunning to watch it all take place. And Carsen! Sweet Carsen. That boy was willing and ready to bring to your family exactly what was needed. He stood next to me through your miscarriages begging for it to be his turn. He loves you, my dear. He loves all of you. It was such a joy to watch you raise him.”

We spend hours, or days, discussing the role of “mother.” The purposes of each time I felt alone or defeated. All of the times I prayed to understand. There is so much I never saw that she reminds me of. “You knew it all along, or else you would have given up long ago. It just took a while to sort out all the jumbled pieces. You’ve got time now, though. There is so much we’ve been waiting to show you.”

She kisses me on the forehead and stands to leave. I watch her as she walks across the room, so full of light and warmth. I can’t believe I am finally here. She pauses, and turns around with a sighing smile. “We never left you, you know, Your Father and I. We were there the whole time. I know how difficult it was, but you’re here now, and I hope you know how proud we are. It’s so good to have you home.

9 Months

9 months is a decent amount of time to get to know someone, I think. I know I've only seen a glimpse, but each day I become more and more sure of who you are. The little things that make up Carsen Max are my favorite.

Your intensity and forcefulness that you simple things like crawling and grabbing. Also that annoyingly cute obsession you have with digital numbers on a stove or microwave.

The way you scratch everything repeatedly without thinking for comfort. 

How we will be driving and the second I hear that grunting "ahhhh" sound start, I know I've lost the fight to keep you awake until we get home. It's a fact you will be asleep within the minute.

The way you love me and always make sure to "check in" every time you crawl away.

The "momma's boy" status that you take to a whole new level. You loooove your momma, and the feeling is mutual. And really, even though it'd be nice to have 5 minutes without you in my arms once in a while, I know you'll be out of them long before I'm ready. So stay close as long as you need to little man. These arms are yours as long as your want them. Just maybe go to Dad once in a whole too, yah?

How I know I just have to make eye contact with you to receive one of those "full body - squished up face" kind of grins.

The way your face squishes up in happiness when Dad comes home.

The joy in your whole body when your sister enters your radar and doesn't end up hurting you on purpose.

How it feels to cuddle your body on the rare occasions you allow it. Especially the head-on-my-shoulder ones with your arms wrapped around me. Those are my favorite

Your rolls. Those wonderful, ever growing, squishy rolls.

Seeing you understand and immediately become dramatic when I sign "milk."

The fact that you are, just a little bit, really dramatic. Yet at the same time, so incredibly sweet.

Your rare talkative moments. Your sweet little voice and your cute little "da da da" whispers.

The gap in between your top teeth.

The way you've melted into our family with such ease as if you had always been here. But I guess in a way you always were.
Oh my sweet little boy, I can't imagine life without you here. I have loved getting to know you so very much.

Hey there, November

Her oversized shirt and thermals with yesterday's braid more out than in. His runny nose and curious smile. That smell - How is the smell of a leaf pile the exact same, no matter where you are? It smells exactly like childhood. It's chilly and windy and everything that fall should be.
We had about 20 minutes of perfection. We "cooked" piles of leaves in the oven (the sidewalk), made holes for mice to live in (?), and "run run run LEAPed" into the piles all around our little section of grass. You know how you watch a movie or see and picture and hope that's what your life will be like? We had 20 minutes of just that. At about minute 21, Hadley told me to stop looking at her leaf pile, pushed Carsen over on purpose, and jake reminded me that Carsen's red nose probably meant he was freezing. 

So we had a little perfection mixed together with real life. Not bad for our first day of November.

Summer, all at once.

Oh hey there.

(Blows dust off blog and awkwardly sits down...)

Blogging with 2 kids is kinda hard. Also, Summer's over, did you know? I think that just really hit me, and I have nothing to show for it except for a whole lotta iPhone photos. Basing things off of how white and covered-in-hair my legs are you would think we were still in the dead of winter. Not even close! I'm just going to keep on walking, unashamed, and post the pictures (not the ones of my hairy legs).

Brace yourself - Here's what our Summer looked like all rolled up into one post:

The end.