(meant to post this weeks ago... whooops)
Hey there. My newborn just learned how to sit up. Oh, and roll over.

And before you start with the "almost 5 months is not a newborn" talk, you stop right there. Because he most certainly IS, and will continue to be for the time being, my newborn. 

And while I hate it, I also kind of love it. Only because his cute face is so darn proud.

Moved. Again.

We moved.

It's done. Over. And I am alive still. Surely if you didn't believe in miracles before, you do now. 

Every morning I wake up here and each box that I unpack makes me more sure this is where we should be. Carsen and I walked in that first time and I breathed deep after holding my breath for months. Not even a week of being here and we can already call this home.

We've got a wholllle lotta unpacking to do but I don't even care. I've got the 6th Harry Potter on non-stop and all the time in the world. Which is why this morning we are hanging out at our personal park filling our socks to the brim with sand and building houses over the ants. This is happiness friends. 

(Oh and lest you get the wrong impression, there was a large screaming tantrum on the way back inside from the park. So not only are things happy here, they are very much normal.)


So Hadi learned how to text. And take selfies. And now I regularly find things like this filling up my phone:

Every dad I spend with this child I become more and more positive that I am actually raising a teenager in a 3 year old body. 

And I will always love you

I never knew how hard life would be without you.

When I left I told myself it was for the best; I was better off without you and it would make me stronger. Less needy. More independent.

Those first few months I thought of you everyday and I could feel the hole that you once filled. Morning noon and night, I was on my own. I wanted you back. I begged for you back.

But the months passed, the years went by and I slowly forgot about you. You showed up in my mind only on stressful days or during the months of sickness while growing babies. I never really lost hope, but I guess you could say I got over you - I moved on. It still stung to see you making everyone else happy but me, but I ignored the jealousy and prayed you would be back one day.

4 years and 9 months apart. But you're back. YOU ARE BACK. And I vow on all that is good in the world to do everything I can to never be apart from you again.

You, dear dishwasher, have changed me forever.

Baby talk

Hold on, I need to spam my blog with baby pictures real fast.

Let's talk about my baby for a minute, yah? This kid man, I really love him. I want to stare at his face all day and purposely make eye contact every other second just so I can see that smile over and over again. To Carsen, eye contact means you smile. Every time and always. His grin is the type that fills his whole body and can't help but spill over into yours. He is joy. I love the way he latches on to nurse and immediately reaches up to find my finger. He would hold hands the whole time if I let him. I will never get over the way he looks at me, even when I'm not paying attention, and you can just see the love there. I know he's a baby, but I know that he gets it. I can't help but send a thousand silent prayers that his little spirit was the one to join our family when he did. I never knew how much I wanted a little boy until he was here. And I don't think Hadley knew how much she loved being a sister until he made her one.

Carsen Max, you are the greatest. This Mom and your Dad love all 16 pounds of you a whole whole lot.


Motherhood: your child projectile pukes all over you, yet you don't change because it's only going to happen again and heaven knows you don't need more laundry. You still haven't folded the last 3(0) loads. 

Sorry fellow Walmart shoppers, I can smell myself too. Just keepin it real.