It finally clicked. It's been years and years coming, but slowly and steadily I recently came to the realization that I am enough the way that I am.
There's a lie that circles around us that says "If only I was _______ I would be happy." What's worse is when people would try and tell me it simply wasn't true, I was brush it off thinking "yah, but if I was ______ then I really would be happy. Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it wont work for me. Turns out though, it didn't work for me.
I don't have to be skinny to be happy.
I don't have to have a perfect house to be enough.
I don't have to make every decision right to be worth something.
I don't have to have the things everyone else has to feel peace and accomplishment.
Suddenly my focus has shifted from outside appearances, onto inside ones. The ones that really matter. Like my relationship with Heavenly Father and my testimony of his gospel; like my quest for self-love and a gratitude for my body; like my relationship with Jake, and my calling as a mother to Hadley. When those things come first, the previous list of "I need these to be happy" seem so incredibly trivial and unimportant. There is so much hope and happiness when you let those things go.
I may never be a size where my love handles don't hang over my pants. I try to be healthy and I am doing the very best I can with what I have got in this momentand that is enough. I deserve happiness in this body.
I clean and organize as best as I am capable. My abilities to keep up with those things have been sort of like a roller coaster: exciting highs, and plummeting lows. But I show up, and I try each day. That is worthy of self-respect and appreciation.
I make wrong decisions in the moment. I lose my patience. I forget perspective and let outside voices direct my actions. I get frustrated that I don't have what others have. But I start over and try to make better choices next time. I write sticky notes and drafts in my phone to keep positivity surrounding me. I try to start each day in my scriptures searching for every bit of truth I can find. I believe I am doing what is asked of me and I don't have to be perfect before I am enough. I am worth so much the way that I am - especially with all my imperfections and weaknesses.
There is so much power in deciding to be happy right now in these circumstances I am in. I have the choice between misery and happiness right now.
I am better today than I was yesterday, and I pray that I am better tomorrow than I am today.
But today, right now, this moment -
I am worthy.
I am enough.
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. - Brene Brown
“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.
None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?”